sunrise

Easter service at the church I grew up in is, I'm sure, a majestic affair. However, we've attended the sunrise service for as long as I can remember.

The steeple at St. James church is square, and sunrise service is held atop it. Narrow, steep stairs built possibly two centuries ago lead the way, along with a space one must crawl through (have you crawled recently? it's inelegant)... winding up through stained glass, past the bell tower, onto the very top of the steeple: the highest up I've ever been in my hometown.

You wear jeans, and usually sweatshirts, because somehow it's always a cold Easter morning. I didn't even bother with makeup or contact lenses today, which is the opposite of the nearly two-hour long beautification process I undertook at Christmas.

Facing east, then south (toward the Presbyterian church); then west (to the river, which this morning still had a bright moon over it); then north (toward City Hall); then east again for the final song, which always is sung just as the sun crests over the horizon. I don't know how they always get the timing perfectly. This morning, the keyboard wasn't working, so we sang four hymns a cappella. Blessedly, the choir master was in attendance.

*

the cadences of my prayers were formed at this church

where I pause, mid-sentence, even if there's not a comma

or when I skip over commas

as well as the dialect of my prayers

which often, out of nowhere, have an eastern Carolina accent

even when I am in New Orleans

especially so

a boy I went to kindergarten through 11th grade

wasn't there

but his sister, who is my brother's age, was

and his mother and father

on the drive back to the house

after our brief 25-minute service

my mother mentioned that his mother had cancer

or has cancer

my brother and I asked after the correct verb tense

but my mother didn't know.

I still feel too young for our parents to be dying.

I think a lot of it is that I still have three of four grandparents

and my one deceased grandfather

did not pass until my senior year of college

this church taught me how to worship

I have since learned how to pray

and will keep her in my thoughts

and hope she finds a past verb tense

while living