the day of mother

Today is a challenging day for me. Aside from the ebbs and flows with my own mother, I fully expected to have children by the time I was 32 years old. 

When my mother was my age, I knew my multiplication tables. When my female cousins were my age, they all had at least two children.

Also, none of them have Masters degrees, and none of them have careers outside of their homes.

Conversely: I don't have to factor in the costs of a babysitter when I go out on any given Sunday. Which, as soon as I post this, I'm going to do: go out on a Sunday.

*

I am, by anyone's measures, a nurturer. I love to take care of people. I love to give, to share, to love.

*

I have always wanted children. From the time I was old enough to dream of a future, I wanted to be an English major, an author, and a mom. 

I got the English major. A decade ago.

*

Today is a day of mourning for many of us. We wanted more, and we expected more: from our mothers, ourselves, our wombs, our partners. 

More than anything else: we expected more time. 

since last mother's day

I have been to the funeral of one friend's mother

talked one friend through her mother's breast cancer

talked another through his mother's final months

my best friend miscarried

what was at least one child

but maybe twins

because two zygotes had been placed into her womb

expensively

and a month later, she hemorrhaged.

a colleague, my first friend here, miscarried.

two close friends

(one who lives near, and one who lives far)

have been trying to get pregnant for over a year

one (single) friend is trying to conceive via insemination

one friend delivered twins, and is now pregnant with their fourth child

one friend got pregnant on her wedding night (?)

friends I introduced, who married, got pregnant after almost a year of trying

one friend had a hysterectomy.

            she's my age.

one friend's husband got a vasectomy.

and the rest of us use birth control

whatever that looks like (pills, latex, rhythm, abstinence)

according to what works best for ourselves

our partners

our employers/health insurance companies

and our God.

*

Weekly, I have a prayer delivered to me. This week's is one of the best I've ever read.

Thank you for including me in your lives. Your generosity sustains me.