Tuesday, December 5, 2023

meditations in Advent

liturgically 

there are four Sundays in Advent 


this current calendar year 

is the shortest Advent can be


we had ten days between

Thanksgiving

and the first Sunday


like a pre-Advent

waiting to wait


in those days

I thought to put up a tree

switch out my everyday china

for green and gold


but I kept waiting

I don't know why


if you want something done

just do it


the first Sunday of Advent

was my grandmother's birthday

and our first without her


she was born during Advent

and she died during Advent


but I don't think she died

waiting for anything


I think she was tired of waiting for

the reunion with my grandfather


(he died during the previous Epiphany)


she went almost an entire liturgical calendar without him

but did not wish to experience

the shortest season

(Christmas, a mere 12 days)

without him


she didn't need to complete the cycle

she died exactly 48 weeks after him

because she wanted to


we buried her during 

the 12-day season

we sang Oh Come All Ye Faithful while entering the church 

and Hark! The Herald Angels Sing while exiting 


we all struggle(d) 

our hearts so hurt and sad


someone else said

grief is love with nowhere to go


but the seasonless love she showed me

lives on through me

I have tried to redirect my love for her

into my children

into my spouse 

into my village


to try to find the divine 

in the waiting 

in the in betweens


both the journeys and the destinations 


I have tried to 

have patience and grace 


in the in betweens


there are two liturgical seasons 

where we wait 


the four Sundays before Jesus is born

and the forty-seven days before he dies 


the bookends

candles being lit and extinguished 

entering and exiting


carrying forth the torch that her soul was and is


waiting for birthdays and deathdays 

observing them with celebration 


bring out the decorations and light and heirlooms 

celebrate having known this love 

celebrate knowing this love


wait for the warmth of cherished memories 

find places for your love to go

grieve 

and wait again 

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