Sunday, May 12, 2013

the day of mother, 2013

Last year, I wrote a blog post on how hard this day is for me.

Some things get easier with time. Others don't.

This year is harder than last.


since last mother's day

my college roommate is pregnant.
one cousin's wife had a baby girl. another cousin's wife is pregnant.
the friends I stayed with during hurrication got pregnant with twins, without trying

one friend listened to her baby's heartbeat at one doctor's appointment, and then heard nothing the next

I attended the memorial service of a friend's mom
and held her baby at the back of the funeral home.

two friends started trying to have a baby before they got married:
one is now in her second trimester
and one was inseminated last weekend.

also last weekend
a friend had her third IVF transfer:
all of my fingers and toes are crossed.

one friend accidentally got pregnant.
one friend accidentally got pregnant, then had an abortion.

I buried my grandmother 
next to my aunt (her daughter)
and wept with my cousins (her daughters)

friends I introduced tried for almost a year
and had a baby girl last fall

and then, of course, there are profile pictures that are not you, but your child
x-rays of people's internal organs
oversharing about everything from placenta to lactation

watching your friends' bellies swell
and hearts mature with acceptance

and loving them all
or, simply, trying your best.


A friend once told me that I'd done the hard part: I'd already found the man I wanted to have children with.


The hard part isn't finding someone whose genes you'd like to pass along and whose parenting values/skills align with your own.

The hard part is keeping him; loving him despite all of his expectations and flaws; loving him for who he is in the present, not who you hope he will be in the future.

The hard part is neither of you losing yourself in the process of compromise and change.
The hard part is surviving the challenges, the complications, the mourning.
The hard part is waking up every day and choosing to love someone you may not like very much in that moment.

The hard part is finding someone who wants to keep you, who will love you despite all of your own expectations and flaws, who will love you for who you are today.

Today, I am sad.
Today, I am not easy to love.
Today, I celebrate and empathize and mourn with my friends, near and far.
Today, I must simply try my best.

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