particular

I've had two phone conversations today with friends who are in the beginning stages of divorce. Even when it's the right decision, it is never an easy one. No many how many times he has (not) hurt you, hit you, cheated on you, been noncommunicative, insulted your family or friends, frozen your funds, gambled your funds... It's not easy.

You want him to improve. You believe he will.

You can't believe you would have chosen someone so (in)capable of wrongdoing.

And yet you still go.
You know that staying with him means deserting you.
You know it's the right decision, even though it hurts your everything.
It breaks promises.
It confuses your child(ren).
It forces you to spend energy on yourself, which you've forgotten how to do.

But you go, despite how "selfish" it is. Because you know if you don't, in another emergency, you won't know to put your oxygen mask on first.

*

that particular time

my foundation was rocked
my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old
I stood in the room shaking in my boots

at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good
for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding

at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant
at that particular time

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself. I am.

you knew you needed more time
time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted

at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe
but I still left
at that particular time